When three sheets is never enough…

Dave constantly criticizes me about the amount of toilet paper I use in the bathroom, and honestly, he is fair to do so. I am one of those people who needs to mummify their hands with yards of toilet paper because GOD FORBID that one tiny droplet of my own bodily creation lands on my hands. If someone had to stand in the bathroom with me to monitor my toilet paper expenditures, that person would marvel at the armor I create each time using water soluble paper. Whoknew paper that disolved in water could be such a powerful weapon in the war on germs?

As I pull the sheets from the roll, I wrap them around my hand. Several times, over and over and over, until all shades of peach on my hand disappear under cover. This is important because my germs are repulsive and disgusting. In going to the bathroom, I attempt to shed myself of toxins, not have them scattered all over my hands again. I sincerely believe that this process has aided in fending off colds and illness for two years. Because, you know, the whole washing the hands afterward part of going to the bathroom probably does nothing. The Center for Disease Control has been lying to all of us. Clearly they forgot to mention the power of toilet paper sheathing. Forget the impact this might have on water treatment plants, also.

When I have tried to cut back on the amount of toilet paper I use, it feels as though the rest of my body is no longer as clean as it would be had I used 300% more. I would be 300% cleaner! Duh. Even I can do that math. (I know somewhere, my sister, the med student, is convulsing in disbelief and will more than likely neuter me with her authority on the subject.) As a result, the best method is my method. This means I might have to spend another $5 on toilet paper a month, but at least it will not be on medication. My mummified hands protect my health quite handily.

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